So the other day, I'm at this convention put on by the Chamber of Commerce of the city I work in. The conference is about internet security and other topics relevant to today's (2004) businesses. My boss is the chairman of the board of directors of the chamber, so I'm there helping out. Setting shit up, etc. etc. Anyway, to get to the point, I'm sitting in on some of the presentations being given by some bright dudes. An author, a Secret Service agent, and the list goes on. About half way through this one guy's presentation, I become aware of an increasingly annoying presence.

There's a guy sitting behind me, and about 2 chairs over who's nodding. A lot. I mean like every sentence. And I'm not talking about nodding off to sleep; I mean nodding in agreement. Now in itself, I probably wouldn't give a shit. I rarely ever care what people are doing or thinking, even when they're doing it to, or thinking about, me. Now that you have that ever-important little insight into my psychi, let me continue. This douche bag behind me is nodding after everything the presenter was saying. Granted, the presenter was actually pretty good, and I was enjoying (and agreeing with) what he was saying. Still, I wasn't fucking nodding my head after everything.

Now, at a point in the presentation when a lot of facts are being listed and explored, the nodding escalates to the next stage: commentary. It goes a little something like this:

So being the nice guy I am, I try to give him the benefit of the doubt. I'm thinking, maybe he just didn't hear that, or whatever. Even so, it's a fucking presentation idiot. Not a fucking round table discussion. Notice how there's ONE mother fucker in front, and the rest of us are sitting in chairs? Not really a communist situtation where everyone's equal right? Yeah. No shit. There's a reason asshole. YOU'RE NOT THE PRESENTER. As such, kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP!

So at this point, I start to assess the situation. Middle aged guy. Not really a geek in the fat, glasses, I-got-caught-for-distributing-the-blaster-worm, sense of the word, but he's probably the "IT" (I use the term VERY loosely) guy for some gay ass company that probably doesn't really need a lot of IT work or security performed to begin with. But these days if a company buys you a laptop and a cell phone, every ass is running around like he's Bill fucking Gates. This is one of those guys. I heard him check his PDA like 5 times during the session. For what? You're not getting shit. Trust me, we're 2 floors underground. There is NO FUCKING SIGNAL.

At one point the conversation touched on TCP/IP technologies, and subsequently, ports. All million ports right? Wrong.

All 65,535 ports.

How do I know that's how many ports there are? Because that dumb shit actually RAISED HIS HAND, in the MIDDLE of the presentation mind you, and mentioned (very nonchalantly) that "blah blah blah, I'm actually a moron, but I want to ask this question because you're presenting, and that makes you an expert, and I want to pretend like I'm sort of an authority on all things technology, and maybe you should explain that a 'port' is kind of like a window, and there are 65,535 ports available and blah blah blah."

I was fucking stunned. Sir, will you kindly SHUT THE FUCK UP! Jesus mother fucking Christ. Are you absolutely serious? Was that necessary? Was that in good taste? Fuck no, son. Shut your fucking hole! I can't express how annoyed I was. And yes, he really said that entire sixty-five thousand number.

You know what? Fuck it. Let's assume for a split second he actually had something relevant to say. I have assembled the following "Benefit of the Doubt" list for our friend the ass pirate.

1. Nobody fucking cares that there are exactly sixty-five thousand, five hundred and thirty five ports. Saying "Sixty-five thousand" is more than adequate. Stop dropping numbers to sound smart.
2. "It's kind of like a window into a building..." Sure. I guess. You're so smart for being able to come up with that INCREDIBLE analogy. But hey, did it ever occur to you that since most of the folks present are completely uninformed, that you should refrain from using terminology that directly represents another technology? In this case Microsoft's WINDOWS operating system? As a "tech" guy, I know, and I'm sure many of you reading know how easy it is to confuse people who don't know any better, which isn't their fault. All I'm saying, is that it's a tricky situation, and if you've ever said "open up windows explorer" and somebody goes "for the internet?", you know what I mean. That being said, Mr. Genius-Stupid-Ass-Comment-Guy, don't fucking say "window" when you're talking about ports. Nobody knows what a port is! So just call it a fucking port! Don't contribute to the problem of misinformation. And secondly, if you're going to make an analogy, do it fucking right. Call it a street, or better yet, even more generally speaking, a point of access, or a "way in" to a computer. PERIOD!
3. "Haha yep." Is not a viable response. In fact, NOTHING is. There is no need to respond at all! It's not a question! The guy is just up there talking. Shut the flying fuck up and let him talk. If it was your turn to talk, then YOU'D be in front of the podium.

Now on a day to day basis, I'm sure we all deal with these Know-it-all type people, who always want to drop in their 2-cents, regardless of whether or not they were asked. Fine. This is another level though. Not so much a Know-it-all, just the kind of person that gets around certified experts and the next thing you know, they're all into what THEY know how to do, like they need to prove themselves to whoever the expert (who incidentally doesn't give a shit who they are) is at the time. They're kind of like Yes-men, but not quite. They want to be cool by association. Like if I stand next to an ugly dude, I'll look better. So if they stand next to an expert, that makes them one too.

I'll tell you what, it makes you a douché bag. My list of people I hate is longer than ever, and this guy just made it. When I take over the world asshole, you're going down. And you know what else? I'm purposely going to have all the guys like him IQ tested, and then get a guy slightly dumber than he is, and force him to listen to that dumber guy's solutions and insights in life. Then, and only then, will that first idiot have any single solitary fucking clue how annoying he is, and what listening to him did to me. Fucker.

Now I just reread everything I wrote, and maybe I got a little sloppy in the underlying message, so I'd like to clarify. Society today has a lot of problems. I realize this. Still, there is one underlying problem: nobody has any fucking common sense anymore. Just because you're the leading authority in your neighborhood when your friend's computer stops working, doesn't make you an expert. Still confused? You know those guys who are always telling jokes, but aren't funny? Ok here's a quick test. If nobody in your life has ever told you "hey, you're funny!", then you aren't. That's why nobody's told you that. So with that in mind, shut the fuck up. If everyone thinks you're the smartest guy ever, but you've only hung out with special-education students your entire life, then you're not the smartest guy ever. In fact, you're probably barely the smartest guy if everyone else died and left you and just the 'tards. The reality is there is probably a monkey somewhere who can peel one hell of a banana, and has one-upped you. That being said, before you speak in the future, think about what you're about to say. If you're going to tell a joke, and you're not funny: don't. If you're going to say something intelligent, but you didn't graduate highschool: don't. If you're about to mack a broad, and never once have you had a girlfriend: don't. If you're going to say something to me: don't. Now, sit back and let me crack you across the face with this impressive right back-hand Andre Agassi taught me. I'm Rick James bitch.

Originally posted 3/29/2004 by Syber