What’s up Bone Diddleys? I've received a lot of flak for writing articles that are too long to read in a Roman Calendar work week, so I've tried my best to keep this brief.

Ok, so the other day I’m sitting around on #Idlewhores chopping it up about Lunch (the meal). More specifically, the conversation turns to Lunchables. Then it hits me: Lunchables are ‘tard food. It’s a product directly marketed at a slow audience. For those of you who don’t know what a Lunchable is, check their website out, and it will sort of give you the gist of it. Basically, it’s a lunch in a card board box that you get to build yourself. As exciting as it sounds, try to stay with me here. They give you a bunch of ingredients, with a goal meal in mind; that you’re supposed to build. So one box might be a pizza right, and another is a salami sandwich. Get it? Ok it gets worse.

My first tip off was the general idea behind it. Sure it’s an “activity” for kids, to put their own lunch together. But hey, I can do that at home in the morning. Take out a loaf of bread, and assemble my sandwich. Fun right? You bet! On top of that, I get to EAT during lunch, instead of making my lunch during lunch. I mean think about it. What if you were hella slow? The lunch bell rings, all the kids scream “Yay!”. You spend the whole time assembling your lunchable. You’re all set to put that huge triple-decker cracker sandwich into your mouth… and the bell rings. Time to go inside Billy! Lunch is over. Thanks Lunchables!

You know I’m right. In any other context, that kind of a situation would a fucking joke. What if you showed up to a meeting, and you were supposed to give a presentation. Everyone has a packet. Instead of getting there and giving the presentation, you crack open your brief case, and start collating papers and stapling packets together. Nobody’s giving that guy a boost up the corporate ladder. If you saw that situation, you wouldn’t think to yourself “Nice. That’s how I need to get down.” No. You’d think to yourself, “What a moron.” That being said… how do you think the other kids think of the Lunchable children? Yeah, the exact same way.

This deal is too good to be true

So the question isn’t “Does this Lunchable think I’m a retard?” The question is “How MUCH does this Lunchable think I’m a retard?” The answer is: A Whole Much. Oh, believe that my friend. It gets worse. Ok so we’ve already established how stupid it is to be assembling your lunch at a time you’re supposed to be eating it. However, the insults flung at you by that stupid ass cardboard box don’t stop there. Remember in kindergarten and grade school, when you had to cut something? Hell, when you had to do any sort of craft. You had paste, not glue. Glue can run. Damn that crazy concept called gravity! It always makes that glue do such unexpected things right? Crazy glue. Get it? Crazy Glue? You know, because there’s the brand? You know? Crazy? Ok. Anyway. Remember the scissors? Ignore the fact that they were always covered in the paste that we just talked about. That’s not the point. The point is that they were safety scissors. They had round edges. Oh, and they were always lefty scissors, so you looked like a fool trying to get them to cut anything thicker than air. Either way, they were rounded to be safer. So you can’t poke an eye out. Lunchables use the same theory, because if you check out their meat and crackers, they’re all round too. I don’t know what backwoods school house you went to, but I’ve never seen somebody poke an eye out with a renegade square saltine cracker. I’ve certainly never seen a double amputee as a result of a piece of ham that got away from him. Apparently however, the Lunchable people took this to heart, and they’re not taking any chances. They certainly don’t want any of the “less than average intelligence” people consuming their products to result in any sort of a lawsuit.

So when I started writing this, I went to their website to see if I could get some pictures to go with the article. No dice. Apparently, they don’t have any. BUT, I can build my own lunchable on their website. That’s right! Take all the fun of putting a Lunchable together, and take away all the fun of being able to actually eat it! Wow! Where do I sign up?

Tell them what else they're going to get Pat!

Let me quickly recap all the fun that can be had with a Lunchable:

• Stupid round crackers
• Stupid round meat variety
• Stupid square cheese (Yeah, because one square item in a stack fits perfectly. Am I supposed to be learning shapes here?)
• A juice drink smaller than many cups intended for use in doll houses.
• A wet nap for when you make a huge mess with crackers that don’t make a lot of crumbs to begin with.
• A Butterfinger for dessert. Can someone get me a microscope to open this thing?

So you get all this great stuff, PLUS you get to waste half your lunch putting it together. Plus you look like a moron, because you’re rocking a cardboard box with a peel back plastic wrapper, instead of the latest awesome Hulk Movie lunchbox, complete with the Hulk-up thermos that stores your milk while turning green when it gets cold. PLUS!!! Yeah, there’s another “plus”. PLUS this lunch time fun can be had for the low, low price of like five bucks in your grocers refrigerated section. Are you kidding me? I can spend 5 bucks for a lunch that I can make at home for like less than a buck, AND I can send my kid to school looking like a fucking fool? Damn it! I feel so deprived that I didn’t have this luxury when I was growing up. Kraft foods, you evil geniuses.

Originally posted 6/12/2003 by Syber